Ode to the Minivan

I was in Hotlanta this weekend and in and amongst having a great time I noticed something.

There are some pretty cool cars in Atlanta. There were some cars that were so cool I don't think they even allow people in Alabama to own them, because Alabama is not cool enough to have cars like that.

So, I'm walking down the street with my friends and noticing that either 1. There are a lot of men in Atlanta who are insecure about something or 2. There are a lot of people to whom 70K+ just doesn't mean that much. I'm going with Both.

My first car was a 1969 Buick Estate Wagon. It was an enormous copper colored monster that got 9 miles to the gallon and had a short in the electric panel somewhere so that when you took a corner hard the windows went up and down randomly. At some point the tires were slashed in the school parking lot and so MadDog replaced them with giant knobbly truck tires one of his clients gave him a good deal on.

My friends called it the Dinosaur.

The first car I bought myself was a 10 year old navy blue Mercedes 190 E. It too developed an electrical short-- only this one made the car just turn off while you were driving down the road. I became quite adept at putting the car in neutral and restarting it before it slowed down too much-- but it was still dangerous as hell. I was ecstatic when it was stolen.

So then, I had money saved up and I had to buy a new car. I wanted something big and rugged. I also knew now the dangers and pitfalls of fancy cars-- Mercedes mechanics make more than lawyers and bill on the same system.

I wanted a SUV. I tried all kinds of SUVs-- but you couldn't take the seats out easily...And the gas mileage was killing me- 12 to 15 MPG? I asked my insurer about the cost and it turned out that insuring a new Pathfinder was more than my old Mercedes.

I was stuck. I didn't love any of the SUVs that much-- they looked tough but they weren't. I did love the Range Rover-- but at my price point I was going to have to go with one old enough that I would inevitable have the same electrical issues as the Mercedes...and the same mechanic's bills.

And then I saw it-- they had finally put a second passenger door on the Mini-van.

But a Minivan? I am not particularly child oriented, at the time I wasn't child oriented at all. Mini vans are.... Mommy mobiles. Ewwwww.

But then I said to myself, Self, Do you define yourself through your automobile? Is that who you are? How pathetic. And so I took the mini-van for a test drive. You could take the seats out and have a great flat bed for camping and hauling stuff. It got over 20 MPG-- even in town assuming you don't drive like a bat out of hell (I average 25). And my insurer told me it would cost only about 70% of what it was costing me to insure the old Benz. It had a V-6, and a tow package, tinted windows-- I could make this work.

So I became a minivan driver. And I learned that while I may not define myself through my automobile, a lot of other people do, and they didn't think much of me.

When I drove a Mercedes, people on the road were nice to me. Sure, it probably cost less than your brand new Honda-- but they thought of it as a Benz-- and let me over, and when I passed them, they were ok with that. When I did something stupid-- they assumed I was just being a self absorbed Mercedes owner and let it slide.

When you drive a minivan this is what happens: the dude in the SUV talking on the phone without the cruise control set who slows down to 60 so you go to pass him notices that a Minivan is passing him. A MINIVAN! So he speeds up immediately to 80 and as soon as he is sure he's not being passed, looses concentration and slows back down to 60 again.

The person who is trying to pass the truck speeds up when you signal to go around the truck too because s/he sure as hell wants to get around before the minivan. When you do something stupid people scream at you. No matter how fast you're going on the highway, no one ever wants to follow you- they all figure they have to go faster than the minivan. (actually, that one is OK with me-- people used to jump in line behind me a lot in the Mercedes, but as you'll recall from this post http://philosophicalawyer.blogspot.com/2005/05/if-i-lead-please-dont-follow.html
that was probably not a good idea for them.)

Of course, police and troopers also don't notice me, so there are benefits. The white minivan is the most common car on the road and the least likely to be ticketed.

I love my minivan. I'm now on my second one and I don't think I spent more than 3 minutes deciding to buy another one. Of course, one day when I have all the money in the world, I'll probably have a Range Rover County or a 1980s Toyota Land Cruiser-- but for now, I'll cruise undercover in the van. With the 4'x8' sheet of plywood in the back or whatever else I care to haul....