Things I learned in Denver....

Top ten things I learned in Denver:

10. When Enterprise advertises that "they'll pick you up," they mean within a 10 mile radius of their location. Then, when you figure out how to take the bus from the Denver Airport and call them and tell them that you'll be in the Cool Springs Park-n-ride at precisely 2:57 PM, and then call them back at 2:55 PM and tell them you're pulling in they will inform you that they're busy and can't be there for 20 minutes and so you will stand there in the rain at 50 degrees for 30 minutes and then they will not seem to know where the Cool Springs Park-n-ride is, so that you, the person from Alabama, will have to give them directions. Then, when you finally arrive at the Enterprise location, they will not ask how to make it up to you or offer you a nicer car, you will have to tell them that you're so irritated you're going to call the national number so they finally get it through their heads and come down on the price to the point that you're actually quite pleased.

9. When you ask the woman behind the counter at Enterprise the name of the County in which she lives, she will not know. She will then say, as though it were amusing, "I guess I've lived here for four years now, and I still don't know the name of this County."

8. When you finally leave the Enterprise office headed to your hotel, you will stop at the first liquor store you pass, as you really need a drink at this point, and you will discover that the car lock clicker does not work. You will be too tired at this point to care.

7. When two tired women are trying to find the Jefferson County Courthouse in Golden Colorado, and one of the women is trying to determine which direction on a road to take and tells the other woman that she should go East, but that that is an emotional feeling, the other woman will not yell at her about it as a man would. The two women will devolve into fits of laughter and East (Look, the road was going straight North and South there!) will turn out to be the correct choice.

6. Everyone in Jefferson County Colorado refers to their Courthouse as the Taj-Ma Hall. The Courthouse looks more like Monticello than the Taj-ma Hall. It looks nothing like the Taj-Ma Hall.

5. Death Certificates in Colorado are not public records. Crying at the woman at the Denver Public library will, however, get her to fax the Obituary to you at the coroners office within 15 minutes.

4. If you have a corroded battery and want to clean it off, baking soda and water work really really well, but won't do a durn bit of good if the corrosion is so bad that it has eaten through the connectors.

3. If someone has over 200 keys and you separate off 5 keys to give the neighbor to get into the home, you will give to the neighbor the one key to the locking gas cap which you will discover 100 miles from said neighbor in the middle of nowhere, when you discover the existence of said locking gas cap. You will also promptly set the car alarm off twice ascertaining whether or not you have the key to the locking gas cap.

2. AAA will not come and help you if you have a locking gas cap and no key. Something to do with liability for the car blowing up. Some dude from Arkansas hanging out at the shop will, however, be willing to take a drill to said gas cap for $20.00.

1. If one sets a car alarm off in the middle of the night in the middle of Kansas, and can't figure out how in the world to turn it off, it can, somehow, surprise one so much that one shuts one's ear in the door of the car. I would have told you this was impossible until I saw my mother do it. And it was the middle of her ear, not the lobe. Amusingly, the car alarm going off for over a minute will not bring the rednecks out to see what all the fuss is about. On the other hand, the laughter will generate enough adrenaline to keep you awake for at least another two hours.