Representing yourself...

There is an old saying in the law that someone who represents himself has a fool for a client and a jackass for a lawyer. For anything serious this is definitely true, but then there are the iffy cases-- small misdemeanors.

If you are going to represent yourself these are some things I saw today that I recommend against:

1. When the D.A., assistant D.A. or whatever they call the person in your district calls you up and makes you an offer-- listen to his or her offer in its entirety before beginning your part of the talk, and before rejecting the offer.
This person is merely a hired gun and pissing him or her off will just make things harder. Person after person today came up and just as the prosecutor was in the middle of his offer they would interrupt with, "Naw! I ain't gonna plead guilty." If you have some fact you think renders you innocent, wait until s/he is done and then present it to him/her. Do remember that the whole, "Anything you say can and will be used against you." Still applies.

2. If you accept the guilty plea, you have to be willing to admit you did it. This is one of those pesky fundamental requirements of the Justice system. The Judge will not let you get up there and plead guilty unless you admit you did whatever it is you're accused of doing. If you maintain your innocence, s/he will make you sit back down and have a trial. For some reason, the Justice system believes that no innocent person would ever plead guilty.

3. Bringing a bible up with you is not going to help. Even in Alabama. However, not wearing beer/pot/or stripper clothing may help.

4. Using, "Please," "May I, " and "Would you mind," is highly recommended, even if you do not wish to use Sir. Muttering "Fucking pig, " under your breath is not. Police officers are pigs. Assistant D.A.s are not pigs, no matter how porcine they appear. Get it straight if you're going to insult someone. That's like calling a Southerner a Yankee.

5. Relying on what other people have told you is the law is really a bad idea. I promise you: if that dude who was in jail with you who gave you advice was anywhere nearly as smart as you seem to think he was- he wouldn't have gotten caught. Great example: I once listened to a man who got up in front of the Judge and began his rap about how the judge should grant him a chance to go to rehab, just like the Judge's sister was granted a chance to go to rehab. He went on and on with a few insinuations that it wasn't fair that the Judge's sister got to go to rehab if he didn't and maybe he would be calling someone about that...Finally, he was done and the Judge peered over her glasses at him and said, "Well, that's all very interesting, Mr. X, but I don't have any idea what you're talking about. I don't actually have a sister."

Bwahhaa. I felt pretty bad for that guy.

Now, a great example of when to represent yourself: MadDog's secretary got a speeding ticket. She looked down at the ticket and saw that the officer had written the ticket for going 30 in a 30. She didn't tell the officer- he might have just written another. THIS is the kind of loophole you should exploit. Nicely. She got it thrown out- all she did was hand it to the DA and say, I'll be happy to plead guilty to going 30 in a 30. The DA started cracking up and threw it out.

Ok, have a great Wednesday!