Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Welcome new readers...

Ok, I just checked my traffic report and I am pleased as punch to report that I am up to 19 average readers per day.

You rock! 19 people....that's so cool. and scary.

Today I'm in the office dealing with one really funny part of being an attorney: voice messages.

Ok, lets have a primer people: business voice messages should include your FULL name, your phone number (slowly because I'm not used to writing it down) and a brief reason for calling. Further information, like a case number, or best times to return your call are optional.

What am I telling you for? You can probably leave a wonderful message. You will probably only ever need a lawyer for your will and estate work, when buying a home and possibly for your divorce.

Back to my clients, who will be in and out of trouble for the rest of their lives because they are incapable of following simple directions. Let me be blunt with you: I know I make you feel like you are the only once I care about, but I have more than one client named Jenn, John and/or whatever your name is.

My out going message used to contain a statement that if you did not leave your full name, phone number and case number I might not be able to return your call. At least once a week I would get someone calling me and sobbing that they had been trying to call me for two whole days and they couldn't leave a message because they didn't know their case number, or they weren't my client yet so they didn't have a case number so they couldn't leave a message.

People, if you do not read the paperwork, you get what you deserve. There are two case numbers on each and every piece of paper that leaves my office. It is in the upper right hand corner of the paper, just below the phrase: "Case number." You can read me either one. I won't even try to explain to you that the one next to my initials in my personal office tracking number because I'm afraid your brain might explode with the effort. Last week, I had someone leave my Bar ID number as the case number. The Bar ID number appears below my phone number and just to the right of the phrase "Bar ID Number." The Bar ID number is NOT the case number.

I usually try to turn down accepting people as clients who are unable to leave a message due to their not having a case number because if you're that easily confused, you're never going to be able to follow the directions I give you, and you're probably going to blame me.

My message now is less specific and does request that you leave your name, phone number and case number, if its available to you.

This is why I came to the office today to these messages:

1. 7:18 P.M. Hey this is G------. I got that money for that motion and I soure do appreciate it and I got some more trouble I think I need your help on. and I got that money for you. and I hope you can help me with this new stuff and its gonna cost a lot but don't worry I got you covered. ok, I just wanted you to know.

Phone number? Last name? Ahh well, he has money for me.


2. 8:47 P.M. AttorneyM__________ please help me you've got to help me. (sob) you were so nice to me a few months ago. You might not remember me but I need you to to help me. He's doing it to me again. (sob) I ain't got no money, but you have to help me. He won't let me visit with the kids except in the facility. (sob) (at this point I vaguely remember who she is) He is all upset because I'm not taking my medications but I don't need them. (sob)
Click. No name or number.
I mean, hell, what am I supposed to do with this? I do remember her. I told her I couldn't do anything and that she needed to go and take her meds and work with the counselor.

At first, I believed that if I found the perfect combination of words on the outgoing message they would suddenly get it and begin leaving useful and effective messages. I went through five or six combinations, none of which were measurably more effective at eliciting appropriate messages. I am afraid that the words of P.T. Barnum ring true (At least I think it was him.) "No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people."

Finally, I am not the Court. I cannot grant continuances. If I have filed contempt against you for not paying your child support, calling and leaving a message on my answering machine when you are supposed to be in Court and I am in Court- probably asking the Judge to issue a writ for your arrest for failing to show up- is not going to get your Court date postponed. If I am your defense attorney, calling me the day before and asking me to put off your Court date because you "just don't feel like dealing with this" is also not going to work. I'm sorry you couldn't get a ride to Court. You had two months to get a ride and it is, in fact, less than 5 miles from your house to the Court so I don't feel sorry for you. Why don't you take those $200.00 tennis shoes for a walk? I am very happy you finally got a job after 15 months of not paying Child Support and sorry it starts the very day you are supposed to go to Court. You STILL HAVE TO GO TO COURT.

This has been a public service announcement.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I empathize with you about the phone messages. I have a different kind of problem, though. I've gotten phone calls from physicians wanting their patient's lab results and they can't remember their patient's name. What on earth are these docs thinking? That I'm the Psychic Lab Tech? Admittedly, I can *almost* perform miracles (a little plug for all the underappreciated lab techs across the country), but I still can't reach into someone's brain and pull out a specific name. Or, I'll get a phone call looking for results on say, someone named Chavez. One third of the population of my state has the last name Chavez. That ain't helpful, people.

It's a delight to read your stories. Keep up the good work!

St Yves said...

Thanks! Doctors should know better : ) I'm with you on the *almost* perform miracles !