The story of the Bilbo

I can't believe I haven't put this story out there yet. This is my all time favorite lawyer story.

Warning: this post may not be suitable for minors.

Once upon a time, about 10 years ago, our first female Circuit Judge was having her very first Domestic Docket. She was and is a very cool person and a great Judge. Our main characters are: first, a very old guard, highly respected attorney known for belonging to the Church of Christ, having 4 daughters who all became lawyers, and playing dumb to be smart. We'll call him Wilbur. Second, we have the top of his game attorney, 15 or 20 years younger than Wilbur, very respected, always does his homework, loves anything salacious in Court. We'll call him Antony.

Wilbur and Antony begin their case. Now, remember, this is Judge's first domestic case on the bench. Antony is doing his case in chief with his client, the wife. Antony begins talking about her dildo and how the husband liked her to use it.

Wilbur, honestly, doesn't hear well. After a minute or two, he jumps up and objects to these questions about this Bilbo as to relevance, "I don't know what this Bilbo is but I can't see how it could be relevant."

Antony Immediately demands that the Judge take judicial notice of what a dildo is.

Judge brings the lawyers up to the bench and has to explain to Wilbur what a dildo is. Remember, he's old school Church of Christ. She is just a bit older than Wilbur's children. By this time, half the lawyers in the Courthouse are in the room.

The lawyers return to their tables and the questioning resumes. Antony continues his dildo questioning and again Wilbur jumps to his feet with his objection, "I object your honor, on the grounds that it would be impossible for Her to use it on Him!" No sooner had he gotten this out than Antony promptly Demands Judge take Judicial notice of how the dildo could be used on a man.

Court reporter is collapsing in giggles, Antony is eating this up and Judge is mortified. It must have been a great scene...

Another story with Anthony. I was just licensed-- probably my fifth time in Court and I had to argue the applicability of the Protection from Abuse statute to a case. My client was through the domestic violence people, Anthony's client was a schitzophrenic who didn't tell his girlfriend until he went off his meds. The Judge was Anthony's former law partner, and our most formal and scary Judge. I mentioned before- Anthony is ALWAYS prepared- so I knew I had to be. He is also a yeller. I get so tired of yellers. But at any rate, I make it through the motion docket and the case isn't dismissed. My best line, "You Honor, I'm not sure where the line should be drawn, but I know this case should fall within it."
Antony: 0 St. Yves: 1

We come back for the trial. Now, this case is full of salacious stuff- which Anthony LOVES. Specifically, there are tapes of my client giving her new beau blow jobs. She would bring the tapes back to psycho beau and they would critique her performance and work on her technique. (BTW, just to blow (!) through some stereotypes, these are both professionals who make very good money- and they're swingers.)

When I got to Court for the actual trial, Anthony comes up to me in the hall with this huge shit eating grin on his face. I knew immediately that he knew about the tapes. He opens one side of his jacket and says, "I have this tape I think we should watch with the Judge. (He's grinning. I'm squirming.) I've already got the tv and VCR set up in Chambers. Your client made it and left it on my client's camera and that's why he went so nuts." (Ahh, the old The Bitch made me do it defense. What a winner!) This is where getting your client to tell you everything really pays off. Cool and unruffled on the outside, I shoot back with "Hmm, that doesn't make sense Antony, seeing as how my client made those tapes at your client's request and besides they're really old. I guess I'll just have to go and call the guy in the tape and have him up here to testify."

What I'm thinking inside: If I have to watch a 45 year old woman giving Bjs to these two men who are my dad's age and with two men who are my dad's age I think I'm gonna die.

I walk over the the pay phone and pretend to call dude.

Antony: 0 St. Yves: 2

Yeah, I nailed his client to the floor. We actually settled so he wouldn't have a finding on the record since he would have lost his gun rights- one of the things he did was show up outside her home at 7 AM dressed in cammo and put the 9mm on the hood of his car and do tai-chi in the street for a few minutes before 7 cops converged on him resulting in a low speed chase though the neighborhood. She didn't even know he was out there until it was all over-- one or more of the neighbors called the police. She wanted to settle because her parents were there and she really didn't want to go through the salacious stuff. Plus, he was back on the meds by this point and hadn't done any really bad stuff in a while. Actually, she is my most successful PFA ever- she never went near him again.

Antony: 0 St. Yves 3

Plus, Antony called MadDog and told him I did a good job. : )