You know you're a good lawyer when...

You know you're a good lawyer when.... The party whom you just beat up comes to you for legal advice later on when they need someone.

Two years ago I had an absolutely disgusting divorce. It was so horrible that for the first (and thus far only) time in my life I threw up before I left for the office that morning.

A and B, nah, lets give them cuter names, lets see... Anally obsessed and gramma were married. Anally obsessed wanted a divorce, 'cause Gramma, while she's screwed him 5x a week for 20 years, (Eeewww I hate having to know my client's sex lives) won't give up the back door...But he earned over 100K per year and knew he'd have to pay alimony and Child Support. He and gramma had adopted gramma's son's children, three girls. He did not want to pay child support and he didn't want to give her a dime.

He really said that, that she deserved none of the assets they built up during their time together. Since it was a long term marriage with children and he made over 100K per year...and she was 62 and had worked off and on (he was military so they moved every few years)... and did all their bookkeeping and cleaning and shopping and taking care of the girls... I knew we would get something. Shoot, Child Support alone was 1600 per month.

Anally obsessed's mistress was "friends" with the family. She and Gramma would call each other and record the conversations...each trying to fish something out of the other, which was pretty funny to listen to (and there were hours of the tapes to review...) Gramma was trying to get mistress to admit she was mistress and mistress was trying to get gramma to admit she was depressed.

Besides all the phone conversations and piles of discovery, I had 72 porn CD's that anally obsessed made while "practicing to learn how to use the CD burner on the computer" (that was how he answered my interrogatory regarding the Porn...) The CD's had such great names as: Anally Obsessed vols 1,2,and 3. Uranus Vols 1,2,and3. Barely legal Teen girls vols 1-6... and those are just the ones I remember.

I had to watch all of them too-- just for preparation of course. : )

There is naturally, a huge family attached to these people: both had been married three times and each had several children who had formed up on differing sides, except the only one of Anally Obsessed's side was gramma's son whos wife decided he wanted the girls to come live with him again, so he wouldn't leave her. It was hard to convince Gramma, but part way through the negotiations she realized that 1. She and Anal couldn't possibly cooperate enough to deal with the kids 2. The girls are teenagers and they'd be fine and 3. She was 62 and should move to Fla to her retirement job....

So, day of trial we're outside in this park beside my office and Anally obsessed's lawyer is um, well, he was military who retired and went to law school and he was...not at all military. He just kind of sits there, and is real slow about everything. Finally, anally obsessed and I are standing in the park and we're hashing out all the details and he's so mad he could spit... He's turning all kinds of red. He's sweating.... Did I mention this is a 6 '3" 475 pound dude who has a classified job for the Department of Defense? I'm wiping off my face (say it, don't spray it!) and smiling my "ha ha you can't make me angry" face and use my passive aggressive nature to get him to utter the words, "What, do you want it all? Fine you can fucking have every penny of my retirement if she'll just go away!"

There was a stunned silence while his lawyer is looking at him, hopeful that he can just go home.

And so I took every penny of his retirement, the kids went back to live with their dad and everyone on my side is happy. Gramma has a nice nest egg for herself (hell, she was 62... And while she got a job after the divorce she makes 8 bucks an hour and even though I won't tell you how much she got, she definitely felt her 20 years of forcing him to save had paid off), I got paid ! and Anally Obsessed makes enough money to put it back in....If he'd just quit eating out all the time....

And now? He really admires me and comes to see me and sends me clients.

That blows my mind.