Disclaimer: This post should not be construed as legal advice. This post should be construed as humor. I am not your lawyer, I will never be your lawyer. The laws in your state may be different than the laws in my state.
So I was trolling through my recent referrals and noticed a lot of people stumble onto my site looking for advice on being in the Courtroom.
This is a good sign. You should look for advice on being in a Courtroom... if you have to be in one, you don't want to inadvertently ruin it for yourself... so here goes:
1. Get there early. Seriously, nothing is worse than getting there late. I could fill an entire blog with stories of people who arrived late. Generally, if you're late the Judge WILL issue a writ for your arrest... so get there early or call the Judge's assistant with a Valid reason- hospitalization, or car wreck (with police report) are two acceptable ones. DO NOT lie to the Court- they have, in fact, heard it all. You really don't want the secretary calling the hospital to check the records and finding out you were lying. It may be hard to figure out which Courtroom... or find parking so give yourself time. Plus, if you arrive really early this creates a favorable impression with the Court.
2. Wear something that at least covers you between the knees and elbows, preferably long pants or skirt and long sleeved shirt. I would like to advise you to wear Sunday clothes- but I have had some bad results with that one, as nothing looks worse than someone in a suit they haven't worn in 10 years and are very, very uncomfortable in. Your shirt should be tucked in. You should have on a belt. Your clothing should be free from words if at all possible. (The chick in the custody hearing last week with the "Highly Edukated" shirt on- it was a funny shirt but to convince the Judge you're a fit parent....) Skirts shorter than the knee tend to ride up when you're sitting down- so you can get really uncomfortable sitting in the witness chair trying to pull your skirt down. Oh, and it will be cold in the Courtroom. Very, very cold.
2a: Big Tip: Hard soled shoes are really loud in the Courtroom. I recommend soft soled ones so you don't feel so obvious.
3. Bring all your evidence each time you come to Court. It won't do you any good at home. Bring your piece of paper that told you to be there too- it can help you figure out where you're supposed to be.
4. TURN YOUR CELL PHONE OFF. Seriously. I could regale you with stories- but I have seen too many people in jail for an hour for contempt of Court for forgetting this one. If you just set it to silent, you might mess up and accidentally get a message tone or something.
5. Take your pepper spray, knives and other weapons out of your bag/ pocket. I would have thought this was kind of a DUH one, but you should see the collection of knives that piles up outside the Courthouse every day. If you're worried for your safety, ask a Deputy to escort you to your car.
6. Be POLITE. Yes sir, no sir , may I please.... if you're rude to the Bailiff, he may tell the Judge, likewise, if you're nice to the Prosecutor he may be nice to you.
7. Be prepared to "Hurry up and wait." Generally Court proceeds like this: 30 cases are scheduled for the same time. At the appointed hour the Judge calls each case and asks the status. He will ask you to not respond if you have an attorney because your attorney will respond for you, and generally to speak out and raise your hand if you do not. If you have an attorney and s/he is not in the Courtroom you should probably go ahead and answer. Listen carefully to the Judge's instructions regarding this and do what s/he says.
8. In many cases the Judge will then place the Court in recess to allow the parties (you) to attempt to settle this case. This is normal and you should try. Only a very few cases get tried. If the other lawyer wants to talk to you and you don't have a lawyer, at least listen to him/her. If s/he is bullying you, step back and tell him/her so. DO NOT be afraid to be assertive- but DO NOT raise your voice. Seriously- NO LOUD VOICES. Often these discussions take place in little corners around the Courthouse- stairwells, random nooks, empty Jury rooms. Write down the points you want to make so if your mind goes blank it will jog your memory.
8A. Civil/ Domestic relations: Know what you want to come from the case. Know what you can be flexible about. If your pig ass ex husband wants to pick the kids up at 4:15 instead of 5:00 DO NOT make the Judge get involved because this will piss him/her off and you'll come across as being crazy. Remember: The Judge cannot make him/her sane. NOTHING the Judge can do will make him/her a better person, or regret what s/he did to you.
8B. Criminal: Listen to the offer. I don't want to go into too much detail- but if you have something you want to know (May I go to driving school? I had insurance at the time, it just wasn't in my car.... I have my license back. ) tell her/him once s/he is done speaking. If you have irrefutable proof it wasn't you- Like John swore out a warrant that you came over to his house and threatened him at 6 PM on January 14th and you were at work 20 miles away until 9 PM January 14th- then say something simple like, "John says I threatened him January 14th and I was at work when he says I did it- here is a printout from work where I highlighted the clock in and clock out times. My boss is reachable at this number here to confirm my story." (Note: you may have to subpoena the boss to get that evidence in front of the Judge....) Just the FACTS. Not, "You ain't got no evidence it was me." Its ok to ask, "Is this a standard offer for this crime?" of a random attorney near the Courtroom. Most will tell you. Most prosecutors have standard Misdemeanor offers. This means that every one who does crime X gets punishment Y.
Caveat: This is intended as a simple overview of the Courtroom, not as a crash course in Procedure, Evidence, and negotiation. I went to school for three years to learn how to do that part. So, if you feel the least worried about your case, hire an attorney or get one appointed to you. Again, I am not your lawyer, and this is not legal advice. This is general life advice : )
9. Be proactive about your Court Case! If you ignore it it will NOT go away. If you move after you already know you have court, then Call the courthouse and give them your new address. I can't tell you how many people do garbage like this. If you're on BOND you (almost guaranteed) signed something that says that you will tell your bond agent and the Court if you move.
9A. Ask your Bond agent about the particular Judge you have. Bond agents know a lot of things.
10. Number one piece of ADVICE: If you feel uncomfortable with the situation then call the Courthouse as soon as you get your court date. Ask when your Judge will be hearing other cases like yours. Example, "When does Judge Dredd have a misdemeanor trial date set?" Go to the Courtroom and just watch. Unfortunately, Juvenile cases are closed so if you have one of those, just go to another docket the Judge has. Often in this case the Judge will notice you and ask you if you need something. Be prepared to tell him/her you have a case set before him and that you just wanted to get familiar with the Courtroom and how things would go.
Good Luck.
Now, 5 quick things not to do:
1. DO NOT think you have done proper legal research on an issue. I have never seen a lay person get it right. Unless you have a lawyer friend feeding you stuff just... don't. I had a guy the other day who had gotten the prison lawyer to do some magnificent research for him. Only, it was from Federal criminal procedure, and we were in State Juvenile Court. BIIIGGG difference.
2. Don't ignore your case. It will NOT go away.
3. Do not use, "Yo" "Ya know whadi'm sayin'" "Its like this..." or "You feelin' me." Nor any curse words, nor loud voice.
4. If you're under 22 you may bring a parent with you even to the settlement discussion. If you're over 22 but under 30, you may bring them with you but leave them in the audience if you have to go talk to the prosecutor or other lawyer. Do feel free to ask the prosecutor if you may go review the offer with your family. If you're over 30, unless your parent is a witness, don't do it and surely don't let your parent speak for you. I am sick of 45 year olds whose momma is all up there in the discussion. If your momma didn't run your life and keep getting you out of scrapes, you might be an adult by now.
5. NO- hats, do rags, droopy pants, gold chains (Make you look rich and foolish with your money), beer or pot anything, belly buttons, or other extreme clothing. No novelty contacts, glitter, or shoes you cannot walk in all day. No taffeta, lame', crepe de chine, or vinyl. No trains, veils, or gloves. Seriously, I want you to be able to express your individuality, however, right now you need to think about your message. Its all a matter of time and place. If you were interviewing Dita Von Teese you would wear many of these things or she would think you were a square and probably wouldn't want to talk to you. The Judge on the other hand will do her best to ignore what you're wearing and listen to the facts, make it easy on her. Its easier to convince someone you're an upstanding citizen when you look like one.
Oh, and if you're Dita Von Teese/ her people trolling to see what people are saying about her, then tell her I think she ROCKS, and Manson is a complete idiot. She is one of my idols for her confidence in her appearance and comfort with her sexuality. That way she has of looking iconic and ironic all at once simply blows me away. I wish I looked like Tallulah Bankhead (I'm related to her) when I dressed up, unfortunately, I look much more like Jodie Foster (when she was in Contact), who also rocks, but in a much more quiet way.
1 comment:
Great stuff. Keep up the good work!
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