Name of the week....

Ok, Dansha didn't make it. Kelvin gets props for being obscure... Joyal is Loyal. Dequarius (aquarius?) for his 60's vibe.... I felt for Mr. Pink Smith, Jr. (really... I changed the last name but yes, his name is Pink and he's not the first.)

Tynisha, weird, but nope, not weird enough even with her pronounciation which she loudly announced to the Judge after he called it out wrong. "I'm here but its Tye-n'eye-sha. Which she followed by a head weave and a raised, "I'm expecting an appology for butchering my name" eyebrow at the Judge. He appologized as he always does.

You'll never guess...

But first, you have to know Southerners call mosquitoes skeeters. I'm gonna bet Midwesterners call them that too.

Name of the week! Sekeeta. I just kept thinking about slappin' skeeters in the summer, combined with secretions. Skeeter secretions. I guess that's probably not what her momma was thinking when she named her, but still, its what I think when I read it.

I love southern names. And seriously, people will act like you have lost your ever loving mind if you have trouble spelling their names. Nah, its S-e-k-ee-t-a. Gah, (eyeroll) how hard is that?

Darlin', you have just got to get your act together....

In Court the other day, a woman pleaded guilty to the following incident:

She went to the police station and filed a report. In her report she stated that a woman got into her car and forced her to leave the convenience store where she had bought smokes. She was ordered to drive to a school parking lot where the woman whapped her upside the head with some kind of night stick which caused her to pass out for several hours. When she came to, she drove directly to the police station.

This naturally caused an investigator to come and speak with her immediately and durring the course of his conversation with her (before she has even left the police station mind you!) she admits that the real story is that she went over to her boyfriend's house. His girlfriend came home and beat the snot out of her and she had to have something to explain to her husband of 4 days what had hapened to her her face.

WTF?

Life lesson #5,374: If you're going to lie to the police, which is a bad idea, stick to your story.

Life lesson #5,375: If you've married a guy, dump your boyfriend BEFORE you say, "I do." Especially if he already has a new Girlfriend.

Reminds me of a little poem I read once: I don't know much, but I know this is true, 'tis better to be off with the old love before being on with the new.

Priceless gems of wisdom....

An elder statesman of the law said to me yesterday, "He's the kind of guy who, every time he comes up to talk to me, I suddenly remember I have an appointment."

Of course, right before that I was subjected to an extremely difficult racist conversation that made me cringe and, since I hadn't heard the appointment thing yet, I was trying like crazy to get out of there, but didn't know what to do. Only people over 70 can get away with calling someone "Uncle Buck." To their face. Without them getting angry.

Maybe he's like me and figures anyone who would think less of him because of the color of his skin (or in my case my gender), it will be that much easier to gut them in Court.

Remember our Veterans this weekend. Had they not been willing to die for you, you wouldn't be where you are.

Bad Ass. D.A., Bad!

Ok, so this story has made the news:

http://www.timesdaily.com/article/20071101/NEWS/711010344/1011

A former District attorney (I assumed he was an assistant D.A. until I read further, but I like the Bad and Ass together in the title so I'm leaving it!) is accused of fondling these guys while giving them drug screenings...


And I might not believe it except that the District Attorney doesn't give drug screenings.

His minions/Court Referral people/ Probation officers etc.... do that.

The District Attorney doesn't dirty his/her hands with personally administering Drug Tests. This, to me as an attorney, is like someone saying that the President drove himself to the Quik-E-Mart for some ice cream. You Know? On its face, with no facts, you raise an eyebrow and figure either someone who doesn't really understand "the system" made it up, or something really, really weird is going on.

People make up stuff all the time. Once I had a guy I was prosecuting try to tell me some garbage about the Judge's brother and yada yada. I just shrugged and told him I didn't care, it was not relevant to his compliance with my demands. He insisted it was some kind of mitigating factor that "the Judge's brother got drug counseling and if he didn't get it that wasn't fair and the Judge would have to give him counseling too." (I kept reiterating that fair wasn't the issue here, legal was, and this was about support, not drugs.... but hey, can't argue with a brick wall!) At any rate, his face was priceless when he opened his mouth and began his plea only to be interrupted by the Judge after a sentence or two. "Let me stop you here," the Judge said, "I don't have a brother."

Poor guy, some jailhouse lawyer had told him that; may have believed it himself.


At any rate, the fact that amused me most about this D.A. (and it may not be in the article to which I linked) is: he (Allegedly) put on rubber gloves to fondle the guys. I'm not sure what that reveals about his psyche, but I'm sure its important.

Criminal charges... and the criminals who committ them

So in court yesterday there was a guy with no lawyer. He was charged with poss. of pot and poss. of paraphanelia. He sits down with the prosecutor and accepts the offer. In this situation the lawyers are all sitting about 3 feet from the guy as he makes this agreement, because the prosecutor takes some unrepresented people before he'll talk to the lawyers. So, we're just quietly going over our notes and the police statements and such... but we all look up and start to pay attention when we hear the prosecutor's voice raised, "What do you mean you want your pipe back? Are you kidding me? You can't have that back its ILLEGAL!"

Dude asked for his pipe back. And he kept taking about how it was art and beautiful....and part of his glass collection.

Bwwaaahhhh.

So I was sitting with the probation officer (He apparently kept up his irritation of not getting the pipe returned to him when he went to see the probation officer) and the desk Sergeant and laughing about this moron, and someone suggested it would be funny to get his pipe from the evidence room and take a video of it being smashed to pieces with a hammer and put it on you tube and send him the link. I suggested mailing it as a million pieces to him, with the video.

I just couldn't believe someone who was clearly in his 30s would be THAT ignorant.

I WANT to Want to Vote! I LONG to WANT to vote for you!

When I was a child I remember Mad Dog and Mommy Dearest taking me with them to vote. They always knew the registrars and made it seem like such a wonderful privilege that we were Allowed to have input into this decision. Golf pencils, striped curtains in little metal booths- It was almost mystical.

Then I registered to vote. Sigh. Promptly at 18. Seriously- my mother would pick up absentee ballots and mail them to me at school. I have rarely, if ever, missed a chance to vote. I voted! stickers line the visor of my car.

Mad Dog and I have had some very nice conversations about "The Devil you know is safer than the Devil you don't know." Check. and "A divided congress produces less legislation which is a good thing." Check.

Now, you know I don't much like to talk about my actual political leanings....I would truly call myself an independent. In local elections, where I can usually meet people or at least meet people who work for the people for whom I'm voting, there appears to be no rime or reason to my voting. I try to vote for the best person for the office. I personally don't think local elections should be based on Party affiliation- because who cares if your local Revenue Commissioner is pro choice or pro gun rights? I want to know- Is s/he honest? Can s/he do the job and inspire others to do their job for her/him? But then again, When I'm Philosopher King....

In fact, I'm pretty happy with my local choices. (Heh. If I told you those stories you might be able to figure out who I am!) What I want to talk about is the fact that I'm tired of voting for the third party candidate in Presidential elections, which I only do because I hate both choices and I know if the major third party candidate gets votes its easier for his party to get on the ballot next time so its my little way of contributing to the system.

But I'm tired of it. I want to WANT to vote for someone. I want to read a candidate's stats and go, Ohhhh I want this person to lead my country.

I listened to (twenty minutes of) the Republican Debates last night (before I felt really, really stabby and took a mental health break to watch... well, honestly, I flipped through the channels until it was over). I've listened to some of the Democrat's debates, too. And I'm... Just.... Ehhh. First, if you have not, read MSNBC's commentary by Economists on yesterday's debates- it was absolutely superb. I would vote for any one of those guys purely on their economic knowledge and I have no idea what their stance is on anything else- but if the economy is running well, I can pretty much live with anything.... I spent 10 minutes looking for the comments, but I can't find them today. MSNBC had three economists commenting on the candidate's answers. It was soooo insightful.

First of all, Economists are like Philosophers in that they just know the world would be a better place if people actually were educated to a basic level in their field. I gotta say, after reading their commentary, I have to agree with them. We need to have a better understanding of basic economic principles so that we can understand these numbers candidates are pulling out of their behinds and throwing around for all to use- Like ___ percent of the nation's spending is spent on ___. I'm already generally suspicious of Percentages.... knowing as I do that while statistics seldom lie, statisticians often do- and politicians using statisticians for their own purpose.... that's downright scary. Or understanding Huckaby's "Fair Tax" plan (Which I generally favor in theory- think about how much revenue it would generate from non-legal residents alone....)

Anywho, I thought Romney's Law and Order joke was awesome. I liked Huckaby. I enjoy people who think outside the box on taxes. I thought Fred needed to get a little more... animated. I have enormous respect for McCain because- frankly, P.O.W.- so if I were trapped on a desert island with a candidate- I'm picking McCain, but "I wish interest rates were zero?" Are you really that ignorant? (That plus the whole he's no longer Episcopalian but is now an evangelical ? = totally disgusted.) I guess I should include some Democrats in this tirade: Barac... like you. LOVEEE your wife. You should have served another term. I just don't think you have enough wisdom under your belt. Hillary... you know, I never liked you much until I read the Atlantic Monthly article- which was outstanding. I'm afraid you and Guillani have the same problem- some people like you, but a fair number of people absolutely HATE you.

Here's what I want: I want the candidates (all of them- Democrats, Independents and Republicans alike) to take the Advanced Placement High School Economics exam and provide their scores. I would also like the results to the AP Government exam. Oh, and the citizenship test. Yep, I could feel really good about a candidate if s/he could do well on those three tests.

Because Social Security would have been a great program if you stupid politicians kept your fingers out of the pie and left our money there earning interest like it was supposed to. Because understanding the State's domain and Federal Gov't domain is a big one for me. Because I know that due to the enormous complexity of our Fed gov't bad people hide waste and corruption. Because a 1,000 page law IS a bad law no matter what it says- with that length comes Pork, corruption, loopholes and graft.

I want an honorable person to be elected...I WANT to Want YOU to be my President.

Last Week....

Last week I:

1. Remembered that removing a hot glass from the dishwasher and filling it with cold liquid and ice will make it crack- and fall sharp side down onto your arm nearly (But not quite) severing your artery. Which lead me to:
2. Learned Duct tape with a little gauze and neosporin will hold the edges of a cut together well when properly applied. Who needs stitches?!
3. Was called to be an expert witness as to the potential income of Strippers.
4. Noticed that strippers have a certain way of standing that is a dead giveaway. Clue: do NOT put one foot in front of the other, lean onto the Bench and arch your ass in the air, because no matter how nice the outfit you're wearing is, you still look like a stripper.
5. Learned that if you drink most of a gallon of really cheap vodka with your best friend and ram your car into the back of a moving train in an effort to "make it Effing speed up!" the police will charge you with all the crimes they can think of, while crafting what you say to them into a very very amusing report, and that the train company will also present you with a bill for the damage you did to their train.... which the prosecutor will present to your attorney... while laughing hysterically. (I believe his exact words were, "Ahh, here's the bill for the damage your client did to the enormous diesel train when she rammed it with her Durango.") You will then go into the back room and laugh hysterically before getting control of yourself to go speak to your client because, really, you HAVE TO LAUGH SOMETIMES.

Which brings me to my last thought.... I was walking out of Court after a long hard day in the small courtroom where we fall over each other and handled 45 cases between 3 prosecutors and a man who had been waiting for hours with his family to get some time with the Judge in an unrelated matter stopped and asked me if we did this every day.

Well, no, I replied. About 4 times a month.

Whew, he said, shaking his head, I don't know how you stand it. All those people, and the tragedy, and the stress and the back and forth.

Well, you just do, I said, and I find things to laugh about, but, I gotta tell you, when I get home tonight, I'll be so tired I can't speak.